The very first response that popped in my head was to tell them, “Keep going, and all will be well.” This sentence speaks to the mental state I had in freshman year; I was exceedingly anxious, but also very bright. Much of my time in these early years was gathering enough basic knowledge or skill in a subject so that others would see potential in me, extrinsic motivation became the only thing I was concerned with. In “keeping going” I suggest that I continue down at least one of these skills, gain some form of mastery and satisfy myself with the craft, rather than people’s reaction to it. My anxiety stemmed from many sources, being good at everything meant that I wasn’t great at anything, validation from others replaced discipline and self-confidence. Over time I lost much of the extrinsic motivation that kept my grades at the A-level, this was not replaced by intrinsic motivation. This was something that took time to grow, but if I were to continue on my track I do believe that “all will be well.”
In high school I learned how to play the game, making sure to pick classes that would raise my GPA and communicate with all school faculty to remain a top student. Even during my two-year depression, I remained a high-honors student, not via some form of discipline but through manipulation. This isn’t something that was necessarily good to learn, it was something that kept me afloat as I developed a more solid sense of self. I felt that I was rebuilding a person in the wake of a dismemberment, piecing together bits and pieces of knowledge to communicate how I felt. It took a full year before I realized I had depression.
I learned how to learn in this time. I had many great mentors; in the dance world, in my parents, in my teachers, and in my friends. They taught me how to find myself. I learned that I did not love dance as I believed I did, that I was actually capable of rational thought (only if it applied to intellectual matters), and that more than anything else — I loved the human body.
I’m pretty confident I’ve gotten through a bunch of the soul-searching that people do in their college years, so at this point I’m most intent on following through on my sobriety and my research. I want to take better care of others, and myself, in a less superficial way than stolen gifts and superfluous skincare products. My girlfriend has been with me around a third of this journey; I hope we continue to complement each other as best possible. My high school experience has made me into a more responsible, goal-oriented person. I want results and I’m finally willing to put the work in
The election of Evo Morales was what ultimately made me decide to distance myself from the socialist movement. I saw exactly what I hated in the extreme right on the left and I was left questioning why even be ideological at all? I saw my friends go back on their ideals to defend dictators in the name of “critical support” — effectively condoning bigotry and genocide in the process. Ultimately Morales was the final straw, I was actually for his reelection effects and truly did believe that there was a conspiracy against him within the Bolivian government. However as a result of his 4th term I saw a massive rise in the conversion of my friends into tankies, far lowering the threshold for what they regarded as worthy of critical support. So I left.
“The better you look, the more you see.” - Victor Ward (Glamorama 2001)
This was what I lived by in my addiction, I was obsessed with vanity and presenting an outside in the absence of the interior. At the time I truly believed that I was above everything, observing all.
“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.” - Thich Nacht Hanh (Peace is Every Step 1992)
This book was my introduction to mindfullness as a child, however it was only after reading it this year that I appreciated its meaning by actually going through this motions of mindfullness. I no longer need out of body experiences or extreme emotional states to feel serene.
“I've already said an addict is a person with holes. These holes are either congenital, shot out, or carved and eaten away at until what remains is this thing, the hole. The hole can never be filled. The thing most likely to fill the hole is love, but love is fleeting, unreliable, conditional. Drugs are unconditional.” - Brad Phillips (Essays and Fictions 2019)
Likely one of the most accurate depictions of drugs put into text, especially the part about them being unconditional. You can actually do drugs indefinitely until you die, the only condition is how far your willing to go for a high (this condition goes away after a while).
Weather Report - Heavy Weather
The album that instilled the love of music in me. This album introduced me to the drama of music; at the forefront of this is the battle between bassist Jaco Pastorius and pianist Joe Zawinul. They trade melodies and find such amazing synergy in their playing, yet behind the scenes Jaco was being utterly abused by this man, pushed further and further into alcoholism.
Todd Rundgren - A Wizard / A True Star
Rundgren isn’t obscure by any means, he’s in the hall of fame, yet very few seem to understand his talent for songwriting and production. This album blew everyone’s socks off in ‘73, yet it no longer plays on the radio, maybe it's a bit too weird. I have amazing memories of shoveling snow to this album, another peaceful memory.
JPEGMAFIA - scaring the hoes
Haha funny album title. Literally no other album has made me want to dance more than this one, zero. HIIT training condensed into auditory form.
The Impressions - People Get Ready
This album almost made me a Christian. Curtis Mayfield, Sam Gooden, and Fred Cash have probably created the greatest analogue to ascending to heaven that one could experience in this world with their very own senses. I have cried three times to this album.
Harold and Maude
Wide shots and close contact, Harold and Maude explore the limits of love and its continuation beyond death. This movie is what true love means to me, it devastates me every time I watch it.
The Science of Sleep
Sometimes imagination gets in the way of things, you don’t have to think everything through. Leaps of faith and into action are what one needs to truly progress in their life.
Irreversible
Time destroys all things. It’s more fulfilling to live with the knowledge of this fact.
Evangelion 3.0+1.0
The conclusion to the Evangelion canon, putting to rest 25 years of amazing anime. Seeing my favorite characters be put to rest makes me cry tears of relief, I'm actually tearing up while writing this. I’m glad they are at peace, because now I can be.